


Don't Mention The War

by roelliej



Series: Rear Of The Year [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack Crossover, F/M, Ficlet, Healers, Humor, Humorous Ending, M/M, Ratings: R, Sexual Humor, St Mungo's Hospital, sexual innuendo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-25
Updated: 2013-09-25
Packaged: 2017-12-27 15:15:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/980429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roelliej/pseuds/roelliej
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ron is in terrible pain, and only Healer Malfoy can ease his suffering.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Mention The War

**Author's Note:**

> Much thanks to D. for beta-ing. :-)

_**St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries** _

 

An elderly couple was waiting for their appointment. The woman was reading a magazine, while the man constantly glared at his watch.

“We should have stayed with Healer Gowens,” said the man. “Look at all those patients. It will take hours before our turn.”

“Oh, be quiet, Basil,” snapped the woman. “I've heard from a reliable source this Healer is the best one here.”

“Reliable source, my toxic rattlesnake?” Basil joked. “You mean Audrey.”

“Excuse me?” said a man, sitting next to Sybil. “Are you sick too?”

“No,” said Basil. “I'm waiting for our chinese takeaway.”

“Basil!” Sybil snapped and Basil froze on the spot. “You have to excuse my husband, sir. He's not feeling well lately.”

“What's the matter?” said the man politely.

“I'm married for nearly forty years,” said Basil, while rapidly evading his wife's hand.

“My sympathies, mate,” said the man, and hastily walked away.

“Basil, why do you always have to be so rude?” she hissed. “You will never change.”

“Could you please stop shouting?” said Basil. “Or stop talking at all...”

“Headache again?” Sybil said.

“Yes!” Basil snapped. “It is driving me crazy.”

“Maybe you should stop drinking,” Sybil said, and returned to her reading.

“Like I said, I'm married for nearly forty years...OUCH!” said Basil as he received a bone-breaking slap in the face.

Suddenly the door of the waiting-room opened and two young men stumbled inside. One man, with messy black hair and glasses, supported the other man, who had ginger hair and freckles. They walked towards the medical assistant, who was sitting behind her desk.

“Miss, can we see Healer Malfoy?” the man with the black hair asked. “It's an emergency.”

“I have to ask Hea...” the medical assistant was answering, but the spectacled man was already knocking on the door of the Healer's office. “Sir!”

“Enter,” a voice said, and the two men entered the room.

“This is an outrage!” barked Basil. “It isn't their turn yet!”

“Calm down, Basil,” said Sybil. “It's an emergency.”

_“Pot...Mr. Potter. Mr. Weasley.”_

_“Hello, Malfoy.”_

“Oh, I can hear them speak,” said Sybil and she pricked up her ears.

“Meddling old hag,” mumbled Basil, afraid of another smack.

_“Could you please help my husband?”_

_“What's wrong?”_

_“He is in terrible pain.”_

_“Where? Er...Mr. Weasley, what are you doing on my desk?”_

_“I want to show you where it hurts.”_

_“Isn't the bed more comfortable?”_

_“The desk is fine, doc. Just a moment...there.”_

_“You notice the problem, doctor?”_

_“I do, Mr. Potter.”_

_“It's rather empty, don't you think?”_

_“You've got a point, Mr. Weasley. I think it needs to be filled...to ease the pain.”_

_“You're the Healer, Malfoy.”_

_“Maybe you could help me, Mr. Potter. It needs to be warmed up, while I grab my equipment.”_

_“Perfect.”_

“What's that noise?” whispered Sybil.

“Maybe the doctor needs to wash his hands first,” said Basil absent-mindedly.

_“Mr. Potter, I think you're doing a great job. Maybe a little deeper. It has to be as moist as possible. Please just nod. It isn't very polite to talk with your tongue occupied somewhere else.”_

_“Ready?”_

_“I'm ready when you are, Mr. Weasley.”_

_“Let's get it on. The pain is unbearable.”_

_“If you would be so kind to step aside, Mr Potter? Please stay around. I see you've got a throbbing problem down below. I need to attend to that too.”_

“That man is brilliant,” whispered Sybil. “He treats two patients at the same time.”

_“Brace yourself, Mr. Weasley. Here it comes.”_

_“God, you hit the right spot!”_

_“Good, good. Now let me take care of your other problem, Mr. Weasley, while you can put your problem right here, Mr. Potter. I have to concentrate, so please don't feel offended when I don't talk.”_

_“No problem, Healer Malfoy. Just do your thing.”_

_“A little deeper, Malfoy. Aaah, that's better.”_

_“That feels brilliant. Please don't stop.”_

_“You're a fast worker, Malfoy. It d-doesn't take long anymore. Holy...”_

_“Wow, Harry. Awesome job.”_

_“Please tell that to the good doctor. Don't forget to swallow, Healer Malfoy.”_

_“Glad I could be of service, Mr. Potter.”_

_“Just a little bit more, doc.”_

_“Just a l-l-little...”_

_“Oh my God...”_

_“Oh...oh...oh...”_

“Healer Malfoy? Is everything a...” said the the medical assistant, who tried to open the door.

_“I'M COMING, I'M COMING! HOLY MOTHER OF MERLIN!!!!”_

“O-kay,” said the medical assistant a bit offended and went back to her desk.

_“Wow, thanks so much for your help, Healer Malfoy.”_

_“I can't thank you enough.”_

_“Maybe you should make another appointment for...let's say...next week? Just to be sure.”_

_“Perfect idea. See you then.”_

_“Goodbye.”_

The door opened and the two men walked outside. The man with the ginger hair walked towards Sybil and kissed her on the cheek.

“That man is a genius! I have found the Lord,” said the ginger with tears in his eyes.

“Hallelujah!” added the man with the messy hair. They waved and walked towards the exit.

“Bloody youngsters!” mumbled Basil.

Healer Malfoy stepped outside of his office and looked around.

“Mr. and Mrs. Fawlty?” he said politely.

“About time,” said Basil grumpily.

“Please sit down,” said Healer Malfoy, while adjusting his tie. “What can I do for you?”

“The same treatment as those boys, please,” said Sybil with a big smile.


End file.
